My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
