apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
that's an acceptable place to lick
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
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Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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