there's paper in my vomit.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
