I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
