sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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