What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
