my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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