I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
