I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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