We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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