My sheets look like a crime scene.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
