you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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