If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
