I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms