dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...