Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work