Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
