i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
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Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
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I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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