You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Randomize
