my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
