I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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