Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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