He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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