Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
