I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
