today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Randomize