Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
