your parents love me but you hate me
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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