some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
