The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
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Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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