dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
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My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
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Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
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