evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
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Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
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I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
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