And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
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I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
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also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award