ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
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The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
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God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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