we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
he had hair everywhere except his balls
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...