I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize