Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
