Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
