i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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