She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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