nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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