did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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