For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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