im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
