I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves