Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things