last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
