I wish they made helmets for livers.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
