Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Bring me that man meat
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
