After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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