you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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