he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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