last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
