answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
