I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize